It’s taken me a while to write more though. I was given some food thought by my mother’s reaction to my first post, which was not particularly positive. Her main 3 criticisms were as follows:
1. I swore gratuitously
2. I just put myself down
3. I did not provide a proper political analysis
At first I was upset. Then I remembered that she is a Jewish mother and is thus obliged by the laws of Jewish motherhood to criticize or complain about something. Even as a child, it was never enough at school to get 80% or even 90%: “What happened to the other 10%?” Fair question I suppose, if you’re expected to be mommy’s little Jewish genius and provide more nachas than the other little geniuses. The struggle against Jewish guilt is real.
So I calmed down and decided to take it as inspiration to develop some direction for this blog, which, like my life in general, it currently does not have. A sort of path into some things that may be important, or at least funny or interesting. Because there are important things to say.
Thus, my response (note: not a specific response to said mother):
1. On foul language
I learnt how to swear the moment I could imitate the words “fucking asshole”, which came out of my mother’s mouth about every 5 minutes. The only warning she ever gave me about swearing when I was a kid was to be careful about swearing at people – that can get a person into trouble. And while I was super badass with my blonde pigtails, multi-coloured glasses and big teeth, I wasn’t always in the mood for having to beat people up if they got cross at me.
So #sorrynotsorry for any vulgar language used in the past, present or future. Swearing is great.
2. On being a dick about myself
More important than the swearing issue, though related, is the issue of being self-deprecating (which is not the same as simply putting myself down), a quality deeply ingrained in my genes. To make up for my bad eyes and bad skin, my parents handed down an appreciation for rude humour of all types, as well as a special brand of dark self-deprecating humour that I believe has helped all of us in my family get through some very dark times.
Thing is, there are numerous things I feel shit about that I want/need to laugh about sometimes, e.g. my love life, my general lack of direction and passion, the varying levels of mental illness in my family (including myself), money, climate change, the patriarchy, social injustice, the deep dark limitless void of my existence, death, most people.
HOWEVER, I also know these things: I am resourceful and strong, at least moderately intelligent, have a sense of integrity that usually remains fairly in tact, fucking amazing friends (and even a few great family members – yes mom you are one of them); as well as pretty glasses, a great haircut, and a bum that could arguably be described as a ‘feature’, depending on what pants I’m wearing. I am generally happy with my body and my person. Sometimes I even dress nice.
As Amy Schumer crudely jokes about sex, HPV and big thighs, she challenges beauty standards, condemns body-shaming, questions the kind of role models that young girls have, and comments on the double standards applied to men and women in the entertainment industry. She has used her brand of humour to advocate for things like gun control and access to birth control as in this amazing video.
Mindy Kaling does the same thing. Also S/O to Mindy for being a creator and lead character in a comedy series who is not a man, not white, not skinny, and not that concerned about race or religion while simultaneously commenting on all these things.
On the other hand, after giving this much thought, sometimes there is a limit, and sometimes there are questions to be asked about how we speak about ourselves.
Speaking personally, I think I “put myself down” for various reasons. Some of these are very personal and I would say stretch back into my childhood and this is neither the time nor place to discuss them – they are reserved for the therapist I can’t afford, which means they are actually reserved for my close friends and several bottles of cheap wine.
However, I also think there is some validity in saying that women generally are often trained, even if sometimes subconsciously, to put ourselves down. Sometimes we laugh the things off that we are taught to feel bad about; sometimes it’s a way of not taking things too seriously. Sometimes it’s harmless and sometimes it’s not that harmless.
I am self-deprecating sometimes to avoid social awkwardness, or other awkwardness (my awkward knows no bounds, and I will own that!). But perhaps I should also be aware that I don’t exist in a society or a reality where it is easy or encouraged for women to speak loudly and proudly about their great qualities and achievements. So perhaps I play these things down.
There have been a bunch of articles and studies on the gender wage gap (in the USA though undoubtedly applicable in South Africa) that have shown that women do not get paid as much as men because they do not ask for or negotiate a higher salary. And that is because there is often a higher cost for women to speak up, or what in this example has been called the “social cost” of negotiation – i.e. not because women are just being coy or shy or whatever.
Last month Jennifer Lawrence, the world’s highest paid actress (so my sympathies are limited) spoke out about being paid $28 million less than the highest paid actor, Robert Downey, Jr. and it has exposed the same prevalent dynamics right through to the highest levels of the entertainment industry.
But it’s all relative. The dynamics of race, class and sexuality display the silencing of women of their achievements and desires for recognition to varying degrees. Jennifer Lawrence is a world away from me, and several light years away from other people in situations of much deeper oppression, where speaking up comes with great risks and costs.
However, I know as much as most women I know do, that we often brush off some really not cool things because it is not worth it to argue or speak up, or the outcomes are likely to not be positive, or we just do it without even thinking about it.
Sometimes, though, I hope a bit of self-deprecating humour can be empowering. Yes, there’s a time and a place. I feel like it’s probably not a great idea in a job interview to be like lol I have no idea where I see myself in five years because I literally have no idea what I’m doing with my life lmao; also probably not the best idea in a staff meeting with the boss to joke about how little I do and how much time I waste looking at pug gifs lol jk but seriously.
But it’s ok to laugh at myself generally speaking and that’s what I know and sometimes it makes me feel better about things so that’s what imma do, and I can only try to make good of it.
You know, also just sometimes….
That's why.
3. On the intellectual content of this blog
Mom (this one is for you), this is a personal blog and the personal is political and vice versa and so on, but if you are looking for really deep insightful cutting edge political analysis, you are knocking on the wrong blog. Please feel free to check out the rest of the internet (and good luck).
But I do want to talk about things that are important to me personally, and maybe the one or two other people I force to read this might identify with one or two things.
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